The Flat Earth people say Australia doesn’t actually exist. It’s true, they honestly believe that. There was a time when I dismissed those malfunctioning human beings as readily as I do people who believe in a sky-god, but now I’m no longer sure.
Let me tell you why.
My son-in-law, Robbie, claims to be from Australia, but I’ve always been a little suspicious. He’s seems just a bit too kind to qualify as a genuine human. Not only that, he appears to respect himself and others in equal proportions, and I’m pretty sure that’s illegal in at least thirty states here in America. Sure, just like all people claiming to come from Don Unda, he sounds like he’s got a couple of walnuts tucked beside his molars when he talks, but we all have our imperflections. That last word is a hybrid of imperfections and inflections, on the off chance you didn’t notice how clever I am.
So anyway, just as everyone else in the world that considers Flat Earthers to be a few beans shy of a righteous cup a Joe, I accepted that Australia actually existed, and that humans did indeed originate from there…
So what caused my doubt?
On a previous visit some years ago, the subject of Australian cuisine came up. Wallaby Stew, Eggs Platypus, Koala Kabobs, you know, Australian fare. Anyway, Robbie spoke fondly of something called Vegemite, so when I learned he and my daughter were coming back to visit, I ordered some of it shipped in. Thus as we sat down to our first breakfast on the day after their arrival, I triumphantly brought forth a small jar sporting a yellow label, the word Vegemite written inside the red diamond on the front.
Robbie proceeded to spread the tar-like substance on his toast, and being a gracious guest, offered a small piece so that I might sample what he claimed to be an Australian staple.
How do I describe the taste?
Pizza with extra anchovies, hold the cheese, the sauce, and the crust. Or perhaps you can imagine a tootsie pop made from a salt lick, with a crusty salt crystal center. Let me put it this way, after sampling a very small amount of the substance, I’m pretty sure I felt my kidneys shutting down, and I desperately needed to shave my tongue as soon as possible.
This is when I saw Robbie do something that no fully functioning, red-blooded, taste bud equipped human being would ever do without being under some form of duress. Of his own free will, without coercion of any kind, no guns to his head; no love ones held hostage, he sat and ate three pieces of toast smothered in butter and Vegemite.
While I still consider the Flat Earthers complete morons, crazy glued to stacks of stupid, the Vegemite incident puts the origin of the Australius Humanis in question, or at the very least, it begs the question, do Australians have normal taste buds? I’m afraid the best we can do for an answer is…
Vegemaybe, but it’s seems doubtful…