Well…book sales have been sluggish as of late so I prayed about it…well I did…Jesus, you guys are such cynics…anyway…I prayed about it and God spoke to me…and you know what…He does sound just like Morgan Freeman…how weird is that?
Anyway, God spoke to me and He said, “Jerr…” God calls me Jerr…denoting a sense of friendly comradery, He says, “Jerr, when I want people to do things they might be hesitant or reluctant to do, I threaten to send them to Hell where they’ll experience unimaginable pain and suffering for all eternity.”
“How’s that working out for you,” I prayed.
“As you might imagine, not as well as it used to,” God said. “Since that micro-cloud thing moved in next door, the younger people have wised up, and the rest are completely confused as to what’s out here.”
“Don’t you mean up here,” I prayed.
God sighed and said, “When you’re standing on a ball floating in infinite space, where exactly do you point to find up?”
“Good point…or bad point, as the case may be,” I prayed, no doubt impressing God with my dazzling wit. “But what do you mean confused?”
“Some of them show up at the gates, their clothes still smoking, asking where the 72 virgins are,” God said. “Others show up expecting time-share condos, streets of gold, and angels hanging out on the corners like celestial hookers.”
“So then…what’s heaven really like,” I prayed.
“Hard to say, really,” God said, but He seemed a bit evasive.
“Come on, tell me,” I prayed.
“Okay…okay,” God said. “Heaven is pretty much like…well…it’s kind of like Fairfield, Kansas without all the fun and excitement.”
“Wow, that sounds kind of dull,” I prayed.
“As a No. 2 pencil after a SAT,” God said. “But enough about my problems…you were saying?”
“My book sales have flat-lined lately, what should I do?” I prayed.
“Write better books,” God said with that all-knowing arrogant smirk you normally find on the lips of an Atheist.
“That might take an actual miracle,” I pray-mumbled, but He heard me.
“No shit, Tolkien you ain’t, so okay, go ahead tell them I said that if they don’t buy your books, they’ll burn in Hell for an eternity,” God said.
“Do you think people will believe me?” I prayed.
God shrugged, “Well, you know what P. T. Barnum said…”
“There’s a sucker born every minute,” I prayed in answer.
God shook his head, “P.T. never actually said that, but he did say, ‘Empty threats won’t clean up the elephant shit, but there’re always clowns around.’ ”
“Okay, I guess that’s pretty much the same sentiment,” I prayed somewhat dubiously. “So you’ll back me up and send anyone who reads this straight to Hell forever and ever if they don’t buy my novels?”
“Umm…sure,” God said, “With a complementary nipple twist thrown in for good measure.”
Another thought occurred to me. “Hey, if my novels don’t become best sellers, would you consider flooding the earth and killing everyone as punishment? It’s not like they wouldn’t deserve it.”
A sly smile crossed God’s lips, “I’m already working on it.”
I remained silent for a moment as I considered His words. “Global warming,” I prayed as understanding came to me.
God put a finger up to his lips and winked.
Thus ended my encounter with our creator, and I think it wise that all of you now reading this take note, and not just for your own safety, but more importantly, for the sake of the children, rush to Amazon.com to purchase at the least one of my novels.
FYI, I suspect buying more than one might just get you a heavenly upgrade of some type. Just saying…